So having settled into 40, here’s how I’d summarize it so far:

In your twenties, you’re rushing around learning who you are, caring way more about things you can’t change than you should, and generally pushing yourself hard. Often too hard. Every goal is attainable, every bit of grandeur within your grasp, every slogan and point of pontification. by the perfect is yours to take. In short, even the best of us in these years are kind of obliquely obnoxious.

In your thirties, you’re beginning to put up boundaries around some of your beliefs. You’re beginning to come to grips with the idea that you can’t change everything, because you can’t even change people– they’re going to do what they’re going to do. At the same time you’re beginning to realize you can’t figure everything out, you’re starting to learn that most lives are a series of measured efforts leading to small failures and small successes. You’re developing a sense of peace with that eventuality. This doesn’t mean you’re giving up on your goals and dreams; rather it means you’re realizing your sanity comes from pragmatism, and that it’s okay to walk away when you’ve lunged everything you can at something. In fact, because you’re beginning to feel mortal, you’re beginning to understand that effort is finite, and it comes at the expense of time.

In your forties, your goals begin to take a backseat to time. You realize you’re very, very mortal. What you crave now is time with everyone around you, time with yourself, time to watch the leaves fall off the trees one by one, or the lakes exhale mist in the morning. You’ve watched a few friends and/or family members pass before they “should have”, but you seldom use that phrase anymore because you now understand that life has no guaranteed expiration dates. Having taken a few decades to mull over what you believe in, odds are you have seen your thoughts and opinions go through cycles of change and adaptation because of unforeseeable circumstances, and perhaps what you now consider divine intervention. You have ceased feeling the need to argue or debate. This has come from several spaces: from acknowledging that you can’t change minds, to realizing that every generation repeats the mistakes of those prior to them, to the understanding that you’re simply making the best you can with what evidence you have, and that because you’re certain now that you’re not wise, you’re no longer driven to correct. After all, you figure you may very well have it all wrong. You focus your energy on the small things, you keep your mouth shut more often, and you relish a cup of coffee, conversation, and your hobbies. Also, midnight feels much, much later than it used to.